Day 5.

3:53 AM

To dreams,

To be frank I have so many dreams I wanted to achieve since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a successful fashion designer, I even studied about designer brands and their names and how to pronounce it. I practice how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurant in it's own accent. I even sketched a few dresses, and I'm so proud of it, because in my eyes, they were the prettiest little thing. Later, I decided that I'll become a poet, I write poems during new year, and it was such an epic moment, because I wrote exactly at 12 am, and suddenly my poem was the grandest thing ever created. (funny isn't how imagination can uplift you so much and make you feel like you're already part of the skies). 

After that I wanted to be a dancer, professional traditional dancer, because I was immersed in zapin that I think that I was born for it. Then, I decided I'm gonna be an exceptional teacher. I'll teach things in a whole different ways and all the kids I'm teaching will turn out to be extraordinary. I wanted to teach them about life, and not about passing grades. Later, I decided to become a writer all because I discovered about blogging, and how it change my life. And my essays, maybe the way my english teacher encourages me to write, and praise my obviously doesn't make sense stories in front of the whole class that made me feel like, "Hey maybe I can write, like for real." I even thought that I'll try my best to win Nobel prize.

So you see all my dreams when I was little are simple dreams. Simple, but in a grand way. I wanted to be all those people I said, but in a whole different level. I wanted to be the best. Or so in my head, I imagined I'll be the best.

But reality hits you hard isn't it.

Life's not that easy pie baby girl. Being the best was easier in your head than in real life. Because life love throwing you craps, and shits. And your journey doesn't necessarily flow like a river in the mountain. Sometimes you tumble down the rocky road and cut yourself. And suddenly life wasn't as easy as you thought it'll be.

This is a good challenge, I love it. It makes me think about things that I've never revisit before. Like how I don't think I have a dream, and how this makes me sad because when I was little my imagination were grandeur. But now, all I think is how am I going to get job when I got home. If there is any job for me, do I need to do intern? Where? What kind of job? Shoot I have to take my license first if I wanted to do intern. But I wanted to rest at home, I wanted to see mama ayah akak abang more. 

Suddenly life wasn't about dreams anymore.
Life's about making it through the day.

I would really love to relive all those grandeur dreams in my head again.

Love, Faz.

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